I’m so sad

Lately, I’ve been a wreck. This parenting thing is not fun right now and I’m so alone and sad. Not to mention I’m sick and the doctors don’t know how to fix it yet. They’re running a ton of tests and I’m just tired. Tired of being a mom.. Tired of being needed. I love my booker, but I’m losing my mind.

Shameless selfie. #bored #bahhh

Shameless selfie. #bored #bahhh

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I hate when I have health issues that are not relevant to my weight, but doctors are too focused on that to acknowledge my other issues.
-Cortney

Beauty

Life’s not about who finds you beautiful, its about how beautiful you find yourself.

There it was. The moment of truth. Would I stay at my normal weight achieved by pregnancy or would not caring internally for another life through my own body change the way I looked at myself. Who knew, but at two weeks post baby, I was nearly at my pre pregnancy weight. Bummer. I am trying, I am taking my vitamins. Sometimes I feel like I can’t be a good mommy because I am so tired. I am trying and this is hard.. ugh

There it was. The moment of truth. Would I stay at my normal weight achieved by pregnancy or would not caring internally for another life through my own body change the way I looked at myself. Who knew, but at two weeks post baby, I was nearly at my pre pregnancy weight. Bummer. I am trying, I am taking my vitamins. Sometimes I feel like I can’t be a good mommy because I am so tired. I am trying and this is hard.. ugh

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Understand

Maybe when you’ve been beaten, raped and neglected, I’ll listen to you when you tell me to grow up and stop being afraid to sleep alone.

PB

Peanut butter scares the living daylights out of me…honestly. How in the heck could something be so fun looking and inviting, and be so awful at the same time? I love the taste of it and I baking with it, but I can’t eat it. I haven’t had a real peanut butter and jelly in over a year, maybe even two years at this point. Peanut butter is something I’ve sent over seas to Hispanola, specifically Haiti, so the people can have one of the best body sustaining foods people have to offer; yet I can’t even take one bite of it without feeling guilty and disgusting. If someone offers me some, I politely decline and move on because it’s such a fear food. I’m doing great with my whole avoiding eating disordered habits (17 days and counting), but I looked at a jar of peanut butter today and said, “Heck no.”

I might not ever get past this fear…

-Sarah

Just WOW! :)

Guess who went to Olive Garden last night and didn’t get rid of the food!? This girl! :) God is absolutely amazing. It has been 11 days since I last practiced any eating disorder tendencies. I’m so pumped!

-Sarah

Self-Harming

I find that my mind is never safe from my self-harming thoughts, but I do dream of a day when that is possible.  I hope for it and live for it.  If I didn’t have that motivation today, I’d be six feet under with a tombstone reading, “Too young to be gone so soon.”  I’m extremely thankful for my recent want for life and a future.

-Sarah

Anonymous said: You're both amazing. You're both beautiful. Stay strong

Thank, Greyface :) Gotta love an anonymous encourager!

Food in Public

I hate when people ask me, “Would you like some food?” (especially if I was just about to get up and get something without anyone noticing).  I don’t want people to think I’m hungry, but I also know that I am hungry. So I respond with “No, I’m good right now.” That way I have a chance to change my mind and try some later.  If I do decide to eat, I wait until it’s no longer considered “right now,” which could take a few hours if I really let my ED mindset win over.  But if I’m really not hungry when I say, “No I’m good right now,” then I just seem polite and no one hates me. Win. Win. Lose. Where each time I lose because I succumb to my silly ED habits that make me crazy.

—Sarah

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Maintaining

I’m not gaining a substantial amount of weight from everything I eat anymore.  It’s still not up to par for my standards, but I haven’t really been working on super accelerating my metabolism (which is amazing b/c the last time I tried “recovering,” that’s all I cared about).  So right now, I’m not really gaining weight or nothing, but I’m maintaining.  I’ve been the same size for the past month or so and I’m almost stunned by it.  I’m not dropping ten pounds in a week or gaining that same weight back the next and repeating that for months—leaving me with a net loss of weight at five pounds after a half a year.  Nor am I dropping or gaining vast amounts of weight for extended periods of time.  So I’m pretty shocked that by eating right, I’m maintaining—albeit, I’m still dealing with my unhappiness concerning the whole being “overweight,” numerically.


Oh the pangs of ED recovery…


—Sarah

Anonymous said: im in recovery like you, and i need to personally know if this food intake is normal for a recovering person. Breakfast- 2 weetbix, with 5 strawberries, 200ml of soy milk Snack: 2 servings of almonds, Lunch- pumpkin and feta pie (size of a medium plate) snack- piece of toast wth honey, dinner- big bowl of cheesy pasta with chicken, supper: chobani greek yoghurt and a timtam

Well, this is a tough question because there isn’t necessarily a “correct” amount for everyone’s food intake.  I know, I know. You’ve either heard this a billion times or went through an eating disorder recovery program where they said otherwise, but it’s true.  For the bulimic in me, I approach food with a little more caution than when I let my “anorexic” mindset into the thought process.  (By “caution” I mean, stop myself before I get to a point where I’ll be tempted to get rid of it rather than letting myself enjoy every bit of my meal and more).  Yet, the list you gave seems to be fine from what I can see.  There’s nothing bad to say about it because you’ve got a lot of nutrients you probably need to replenish.  If you want a “nutritionists” advice, then I’d go speak with one because that could maybe alleviate some stress over what you’re eating.

I wish I could give you a definitive answer here.  Knowing what’s “normal” is so hard when you’ve spent years doing something that whether society thinks it is normal or not, you wholeheartedly feel it is.  Even telling you things like, “eat until your full” or “just eat whatever you want” wont help because they’re just so circumstantial and hard to estimate. I also don’t think they’ll make you feel safe either—more anxiety does not need to be attached to food.

If you want my real advice on this, though…I’d say enjoy food.  No need to keep track of what you ate and how much you had because that’s still practicing ED habits, just in a new, more “disguise-able” way.  Make sure you eat enough to make your body happy and function-able.  Starving it wont help.  Over-feeding wont help.  Over-working it wont either.  I know when I started my journey in recovery, food was still my enemy and feeling full was still the worst possible thing.  Yet I was persistent, even though I was throwing up some meals still.  I told myself to not over due it on portions, but I definitely didn’t limit myself either.  It’s a nice balance that I’m still working on today.  Who cares if I slip some days! I’m a work-in progress and I’ll get to full recovery when I get there.  I’ve got time.  Anyways, balance is key, but no one can shape it for you.  Find what works in giving your body the healthiest or, more importantly, the most enjoyable day (not addictive enjoyable either).

Oh I hoped this wasn’t too much…I’m so sorry if it was.  I just get to typin’ sometimes!  I hope you’re recovery is going well and continues to do so.  Keep responding back with anything.  I hope I’ll be able to be a little more helpful than this go around!

—Sarah

Surf’s Up, Capri Sun.

I used to be EXTREMELY afraid of Capri Sun drinks.  Sixty calories for just one of those guys? Are you serious? I used to limit myself to five hundred calories per day and that would waste nearly one-fifth of my count for the day.  Even when I was in my purge mode, those things would never be able to come out as easily as I hoped. (nor did they taste good the second time around).  Yet they were always in the house and hunger won over more times than I could count…so let’s just say I’ve had my fair share of those little guys.  It always felt pointless to drink them, too.  As if they would satisfy my body’s primal need for nutrition and liquids all in one small sitting.  Wrong.


It seems stupid to share this random factoid about my eating disorder, but maybe someone will take comfort in knowing something like this.  Even the quirkiest of things in our lives we find normal but don’t know if anyone else behaves in that way can make us feel distant from society—even if it’s as insignificant as Capri Sun fears.


—Sarah

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The Past

While you all were creating such lovely high school memories, I was throwing up, counting my calories, sucking in my stomach or starving myself for days on end. It’s so fun when my high school friends, who are still wishing they were in their “glory days,” hang out with the friends who actually grew up! It’s rather helpful to my recovery to make me remember the things that worsened my depression and disordered habits. Good thing I don’t see that side of the friend group too often, right?

-Sarah